Are you thankful?

[thangk-fuh l]   –adjective

feeling or expressing gratitude; appreciative.

I spend a fair amount of time contemplating life as well as the consequences of my actions.  A few years ago I realized that my thoughts had a very negative tone.  Most people wouldn’t have guessed this because of my innate ability to keep a relatively happy exterior, but the truth is; my own harsh personal criticisms (which I’m sure we are all guilty of) and the doubt and  guilt over bad decisions really didn’t add value to my life, in fact, it did the opposite.  All of this contemplation and internal reflection on my missteps fueled my personal insecurities, which led to an ego issue (I had to over compensate with an external “everything is great” appearance) and then this manifested itself into an ever-present level of internal frustration which I have affectionately pushed out on those closest to me; my family.

So why do I share all of this?  I share this with you because I’ve worked very hard for 2 years to realize that the internal punishment some people may put themselves through is worthless.  Yes, life can suck from time to time and yes, work might be a pain in the ass and yes, the kids may have a really busy schedule, but I realize that the more I focus on the negative, the more negative I experience.  My focus (as of late) has been to appreciate and accept what life might throw at me.  In short, I’m learning to be thankful again, which is something that is easy to forget with the pace most of our lives take.

I am thankful that I have been surrounded by friends and family who have helped me through some of these challenges in life.  I am thankful that I have been able to recognize that these “challenges” are actually pretty common and we can get through most of what life throws at us.  I am thankful that I have been able to work at shelving my ego (for the most part) and work on sharing some of my issues so that others might identify with these challenges and learn that they aren’t alone in what can feel like a real battle some days.

I’m thankful for the opportunities that have been presented to me (personally and professionally) and even though I might not always act appreciative, I am learning to recognize how special each of these opportunities has been.  For each “check” you could put in the thankful column there may be one that you could put in the “could have done without that column”, so do yourself a favor today and put those frustrating areas of life away.  Clear the negativity and reflect a bit on what it really means to be thankful.

Don’t forget to keep your reflection simple too.  Focus on the areas that we tend to take for granted.  The furnace that keeps your house warm, the roof over your head, the food at your table, the company of the friends and family you might see this weekend and the air you breathe.

I think we can all find something to be thankful for!

Happy Thanksgiving!

$90 million goals and dreams...

Most of us probably read about the winners of the lottery that netted two Michigan men $266 million dollars.  Not bad pay days, even after dividing the $266 million into two, $133 million pay checks.  Now we all know that the government gets their chunk, so reduce that $133 million to, let’s say, $90 million and then you start thinking about what to do with all of your money…that’s when the interesting discussion starts. Imagine if you had that money, all $90 million dollars of it (earning $1.8 million per year in interest with a 2% savings account- I’d bet the bank would give you two toasters for opening that account).  Would you continue the lifestyle or the career that you have today (assuming all that scratch was already in the bank)?  I listen to people who chat about lottery winnings and they use the topic as a catalyst for sharing dreams, goals, and aspirations as it relates to all of the things they would like to do in life, but might not have the opportunity to do for various reasons.  Some people talk about setting their kids up for life and the pressure that would relieve.  Some talk about cars and vacation homes.  Some talk about starting businesses and some talk about helicopters picking them up for their morning ride around town (o.k. - I thought it would be cool, just once, to drop my kids off at school from our helicopter, but I know it’s not practical).

I think we’d all be lying if we hadn’t been part of that game a number of times with a number of different people and what I find so intriguing are the number of dreams people have that never get pursued.

My son’s hockey coach approached me the other day and inquired about my writing.  He noticed one of my blog titles on my personal email signature and asked “what the writing was all about”.  I shared with him that I used to write an industry blog for my last employer and that I had aspirations of writing and speaking for a living.  After giving him my quick response, I dove back down to sea level and resumed my routine of answering emails on my blackberry as the kids skated around the rink.

Cliff grabbed my attention again and asked, “Why don’t you write and speak then” as if it were so simple and illogical that someone who wants something wouldn’t go get it and that’s when it hit me…

Most of our goals, targets and dreams that get outlined when playing the “what would I do if I won a BAJILLION dollars” game might be more achievable than we think.  I know this because I am a man who has run a marathon, but is not built like a marathoner.  I am the son of a woman who wanted to live through cancer and did and I am the brother of a man who went from renting moonwalks for a living at age 22 to becoming the Chief Operating Officer of an incredibly profitable entertainment business by age 34, so I guess most things are closer to our reach than we may give credit.

Thanks Cliff.  I appreciate your honest and logical question.  I am writing, maybe not getting paid to do it yet, but enjoying every minute of the writing I do. If I stay persistent enough and someday complete that book or have an article published, I’ll make sure to remember that it was your question that helped keep me on track with my personal dreams and vision.  To the rest of you, if you happen to be reading this and think about running, or teaching, or retiring, or changing careers, or any other myriad of “lotto list goals”, choose one, make up a concrete plan of steps to take which will get you closer to your goal and begin pursuing.  You’ll surprise yourself, I promise that.

Dad, what's an "all-star"?

Dad, what’s an “all-star”? This was the question posed to me last night by my 8 year old son.  He overheard my wife and me talking about our 6 year old and the upcoming City Soccer Club U6 all-star game.  It wasn’t the question that tripped me up; it was the look in his eyes when he asked it.

My oldest son is an amazing boy; he has the vocabulary of a 15 year old, has been reading on his own for 3 years, he can throw a ball with the best of them, mathematics comes as natural to him as breathing and he has a gentle soul; one that naturally has him be kind, gentle and supportive to those around him, so when he sheepishly asked me about being an all-star, I knew I had done something wrong because from his perspective, all of his amazing abilities appeared to fade away.  His eyes welled up a bit and he said “you want me to be an all-star, right Dad?” which was code for; “I haven’t done a good enough job for you, right?”

Dad, what’s an “all-star”?

I have a good friend and life coach who recently shared her thoughts on raising children and she told me that she believes nothing to be more arrogant than the act of setting an expectation for a child.  When she shared her opinion I argued it, naturally, because I had been a believer of expectation setting and more importantly, expectation achievement.  Her belief system is so different from mine and as I have had time to digest it, it’s beginning to make more sense to me.  As a parent, we should be here for one primary reason; to love our children, unconditionally.  Too often we expect our kids to exceed what we might have accomplished in life or we expect them to follow in our path, which is inherently arrogant, isn’t it?  Instead of expectations couldn’t we simply offer love and guidance and accept that their path in life is just that; their path.  Our role becomes that of inserting a solid moral compass and enabling our children to become productive adults by showing the respect they deserve while experiencing life. Whether we believe it or not; our kids are going to follow their own path and as a parent, like me, we should work to recognize that, right? 

Dad, what’s an “all-star”?

The look of vulnerability and disappointment being shown was enough to break my heart.  As a parent, I believe these are opportunities that afford us time to support and show love, so I did.  Instead of an answer on what is an all-star, I shared my belief regarding effort and its role in life.  I shared my personal belief that not every boy or girl will be an “all-star” on the field and not all great teams are made up of “all-stars”, either.  We talked about the effort needed in school and at home and I shared that as long as he knew in his heart that he had given an effort that was as strong as he could muster then he’d have nothing to ever be disappointed about.  I finished my little speech and gave him a hug and kiss and he looked up at me and said, “Dad…I think I can work a little harder and do a little more to help my soccer team.”  What a comment!  After all of this talk about what makes an individual “all-star” my son equated the effort we talked about and is looking to apply it to helping others, not himself.

Dad, what’s an “all-star”?

You are kiddo…you are.

I could use some advice...

As a father of three; two boys (8 & 6) and a daughter (3), you can imagine that life can get a little crazy.  My wife and I both work full time, which in 2010 is typically defined as 55 hours per week, right?  Add to that work schedule a “kid's sports” schedule on Mondays, Wednesdays and Thursdays (not including game days) where hockey and soccer practices run until dark and finally, as most of the parents of my generation have done; we continue to overload and overburden our kids with the random Cub Scout meeting, a “play date” and some homework/reading before bed. If you get a chance, look into the trailer for Race to No Where www.racetonowhere.com and you’ll see what we are doing to our kids!  The main focus of my blog is to share personal stories and sometimes struggles with my inability to balance life and work, while maintaining the title of Active and Supportive Father, so I am hoping to hear from other parents who struggle the same way and maybe this site can become a “haven” for the overstretched and overloaded as we work to a common goal of finding some tips to balancing the journey of life.  It is clear that society doesn’t make it easy to have a stay at home parent these days, so the “best laid plans” of working from 9am to 430pm, having dinner with the family at 5pm and then skipping and singing our way to soccer practices just isn’t reality.

In contrast, it is more accurate to say that I typically race home (while on a conference call), fly into the house and shout for someone to pick something up and get a uniform on and when they don’t listen the first time, yelling and throwing things (soft things) can help generate more chaos and make me feel like I’m motivating the troops.  Our family continues its passionately loud discussion related to who will eat what for dinner, how fast they can eat it and then we RACE out the door, jump into a car (I go one way) my wife goes another direction and when schedules are really crazy my father-in-law shoves off in a third direction.  Some time around 830pm we get home, get the kids showered, pass out in bed around 10pm and before we know it, the alarm clock is firing at 6am.

If this lead in made you smile and/or nauseous…congratulations, you’re probably in the same boat (because if you don’t have kids, the drama in this article would have made you stop reading and probably stop having sex for a couple of weeks for fear of embarking on the same kind of chaos in the future)!

Your help is requested.  If you are a parent and you have found ways to simplify life, please add your comments! 

The moral of this article:  Simple is good.  I recognize that I am guilty of over scheduling and over committing my children, which in turn, makes our lives (as parents) even crazier.  My wife and I are working to simplify the demand for formal activities and replace them with “play at the park”, hikes on the weekends and time with friends.  After all, what I’ve seen thus far as a parent; our kids may enjoy all of the activities and time with their friends, but at this age, they would trade it all for more time with the family!

Why "Stop the Chase" exists...

I have been "blogging" for a couple of years and although most of my writing has been industry specific, I did use the blogosphere for a short period of time to share details of my personal struggles with life, work and family.  During that time, I was introduced to a number of people who seem to be on a similar "journey", a journey motivated by a search for balance, peace, simplicity and humility.  This blog was created with the intent of helping other people through the sharing of thoughts, opinions and experiences.  This blog, Stop the Chase, is going to have weekly posts, regular links & uploads along with the occasional personal opinion piece targeted at helping others "find balance" with the various aspects of life (parenting, work, relationships and financial). I hope you enjoy.  Feel free to pass this blog around and if you know of other links that could add value, share them with me and I'll ensure they get posted regularly.